In My Shoes Page 15

  I was only about five minutes away from Dwayne’s house, when a police car pulled up behind me with flashing lights. Being in the presence of the police made me nervous and I drove on for awhile, seriously thinking about ignoring the sirens. Then, I thought about how much more trouble I would be in if I did.

  The officer got out of the car walking like a turtle. I rushed to lower my window.

  “Are you aware of how fast you were traveling?” he asked.

  Duuuh, hell, yeah, I wanted to say, but I was so anxious to go and my pitiful voice implied just that. “Yes, sir. If I’m late for work one more time, my boss said that he would fire me. I was just trying to get there on time today.”

  “You won’t get there if you crash, will you?” he said, smiling.

  I smiled back. “No, sir, I guess I won’t.”

  “Do you have a driver’s license?”

  “Yes, I do.”

  “Can I see it?” I reached in my purse and gave it to him. This shit was taking too long. If he was going to write the ticket, I wished he would go ahead and do it. He observed my driver’s license, and then gave it back to me.

  “Ms. Hampton, slow down before you kill somebody. Have a good day.”

  “You also have a good day and thank you.” Oh, I had plans to kill somebody, but it wasn’t going to be by driving.

  I signaled and got off at the Kingshighway exit. I couldn’t speed because the officer was close behind me. As I made a left on Natural Bridge, he kept straight. I put the pedal to the metal and sped off to Dwayne’s crib. When I got there, I felt a sense of bravery. He wouldn’t come outside to confront me, so I sat his clothes on the sidewalk and poured the gasoline over them. The smell of petroleum was potent and I soaked his clothes, until the can was empty.

  “You cheating-ass coward,” I shouted in a rant. “Your word don’t mean nothing and how dare you let another bitch disrespect me! Tell that tramp to come outside and talk that mess now. Better yet, bring your happy-dick ass out here!”

  Dwayne remained inside, but pulled the curtain aside so I could see him. All he did was shake his head, and that angered me more. I stomped back to my car and looked around for a lighter. I forgot to bring matches, and since I couldn’t find anything to set his clothes on fire, I had to turn to Plan B. A bat was in my trunk, so I pulled it out and headed to the other side of the street like a madwoman. Dwayne had attempted to fix up his Monte Carlo, so that was my target. I knew that putting a few dents in his car would get his attention and it surely was a way to let out my frustrations. At the time, I felt like a baseball player, swinging the bat with overbearing power, in hopes that my actions would be a warning for him to cut the crap. With every crack, I smiled. With every dent that appeared, I truly felt as if my mission had been accomplished. I swiped my hands together, telling myself that he would think twice about ever dissing me again.

  Out of concern for his car, Dwayne came outside to stop me.

  “What the fuck are you doin’?” he yelled, while twisting my arm behind my back. His strength was too much for me, but I had no problem fighting Dwayne. I slapped the shit out of him, and as I tried to get off more punches, his grip tightened on my arm, damn near breaking it. I pleaded for him to let go.

  “Please let go of my arm before you break it! I hate you, Dwayne, I swear to God that I hate you!”

  “I hate you too!” he said, letting go of my arm, but giving me a shove. I stumbled, but kept my balance.

  “Look at my damn car! You gon’ pay for this shit, Brenda!”

  I sat on the curb shaking and disgusted about this relationship. I listened to Dwayne yell about his car and refer to me as all kinds of crazy bitches and ho’s. I damn sure didn’t agree with him, especially since he was the one who had made me go there with him. Then again, there were always other options. Options that I didn’t want to resort to at the time. Either way, I was exhausted and when Dwayne went back inside, that’s when I left. I felt as if I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown while driving home. The pressure of trying to make things work between us had me on edge. The thought of my father’s illness stressed me, and the way my life was turning out terrified me. When Dwayne showed up a few hours later at my apartment, I was numb. I moved around like I was in a twilight zone, wanting it all to end.

  Chapter Fifteen

  For the next couple of days things were awfully quiet around my apartment. I wasn’t speaking to Dwayne, but he had no intentions to leave. I felt trapped in my own apartment. He’d called most of his boys and told them not to come over because I was tired of all the company. That didn’t move me in no way, and my only concern was Daddy. I called to check on him and I’d taken the twins to see him several times. He looked fine and said he was feeling better. Then, a few weeks later, my aunt Florence called and told me Daddy was rushed to the hospital. I called Jesse and asked her to pick up the twins and me, so we could go to the hospital together.

  When we arrived, Daddy looked worn out. I could tell he was in pain, but he was alert and able to talk. He joked around about being back in the hospital.

  “This is messed up, ain’t it?” he said. “I think the nurses in here like me and can’t get enough of my visits.”

  “Maybe so,” I said. “I know you’re getting tired of coming back and forth, ain’t you? Is the dialysis not working?”

  “Not as much as we had hoped, but I’m stickin’ to it.”

  His mouth looked dry, so I asked the nurse for some ice chips for him to suck on. The twins were clinging tightly to my legs, acting as if they were afraid of him. He reached out for one of them and I picked her up to let him kiss her.

  “Muaaah,” he said. “That’s some good ole sugga right there. Give me my other baby.”

  I lifted the other twin and he kissed her too. Once I put her down, I asked Daddy what had happened to the braids in his hair and I offered to braid it for him again.

  “Please do,” he said, rubbing his thick hair that had grown several inches long. I started to braid his hair again, while Jesse fed him some ice chips. Daddy closed his eyes and a tear slipped from the corner. “Thanks for takin’ care of me. I know I haven’t done much as a father, but I’ve tried to do my best.”

  Jesse and I looked at each other, knowing that Daddy was trying to give his goodbyes. We were just glad to have gotten to know him, and that’s all that really mattered right now. After a while, the nurse came in and told us that she thought Daddy was having too many visitors and he needed his rest. Most of the Hampton family had been up there to see him, but we ignored her request and stayed with Daddy for about another hour.

  He slowly opened his eyes to ask Jesse, “How is y’all Mama doin’?”

  “She’s fine. She said she was coming to see you tomorrow.”

  Daddy nodded and closed his eyes again. Shortly thereafter he started to snore and we left.

  While driving home, I asked Jesse how Mama felt about Daddy’s illness. She hadn’t said much to me about it.

  “You know Mama don’t never tell anybody how she’s feeling, but I’ve seen her crying a few times. I know she’s worried and she’s been smoking a pack of cigarettes a day.”

  We were all worried, and it felt so strange to know that someone as close to me as Daddy had been was dying and there was nothing any of us could do.

  Jesse stayed at the apartment and kept the twins and me company, while Josh and Dwayne went to the liquor store. Dwayne always seemed to be on his best behavior when she was around so she didn’t suspect much wrong with our relationship. She told me she’d fallen in love with Anthony and stressed how well things were going for her at the post office. No doubt, Jesse had really changed since I’d left home. She was more mature, more materialistic, and more sophisticated than ever. If money and a man made her change like that, then somebody show me the money and please give me a good man!

  Over the next few days, Daddy’s condition took a turn for the worse. My aunts Florence and Betty called and told us that the hosp
ital said there was nothing else they could do for him. I rushed out to the hospital as fast as I could. Mama and Jesse were there when I arrived and said that Rita and her husband were on their way. The hospital was packed with so many of my relatives and everyone was in tears. Before I could make it to Daddy’s room, everybody embraced me and showed much love. To me, though, Daddy’s condition couldn’t be that bad; I had just seen him the other day and I prayed for his recovery. He was going to bounce back just like he’d done before.

  Jesse and Mama met me at the door of his room. They were both distraught. Mama’s hands were trembling and she reached out to squeeze my hand.

  “We’re going to lose him,” she cried. “I’m so sorry, Brenda, so sorry.”

  I released Mama’s hand and walked into the room to see the state Daddy was in for myself. I couldn’t understand how his condition had turned for the worse so quickly. He was unconscious and looked like a zombie. Saliva was dripping from his mouth and his skin looked discolored. I grabbed his cold hand, squeezing it tight, just to see if he would respond. He didn’t. I even talked to him and joked around with him, but there was no laughter.

  “Come on now, Daddy. You’ve got to bounce back for me and the twins. They’ve been asking about you and I know you’re not giving up on us already. Don’t go already, pleeeease.” Jesse said that moments before I arrived, she’d squeezed his hand and he squeezed hers back. So maybe, just maybe, he could hear me.

  I kneeled beside the bed, touching Daddy’s hand with mine. Prayer was going on throughout the room, but I spoke to Daddy through my own words. Daddy, if you can hear me, I thank you for being there for me. It’s unfortunate that our time might have to be cut so short but every moment that I shared with you was precious and dear to me. We definitely made the best of our time together and it meant more to me than you will ever know. What if I had missed out on your love? What if we never got the chance to be father and daughter? I would have been left with an empty heart. I’ve learned so much about you, and only if you have to, I hope you can go to heaven knowing that your baby girl will be fine. You did the best you could, and deep in my heart, I know that now. I promise to keep your memory flowing through my children and any other grandchildren that you have along the way. Don’t worry about your family, as Rita, Jesse and me will do whatever it takes to make you proud. I love you…we love you always.

  The doctor came in and talked to the family. He told us that Daddy could be like that for days, and it was up to my grandparents if they wanted to end it. He advised all of us to go home because there was nothing we could do for him by sitting in the hospital. My grandparents and aunts said they would call us in the morning and let us know what was decided.

  At home, I felt helpless and beat down. I tried to explain what was going on to the twins but they were too young to understand. The only reason they were crying was because they saw me crying. I couldn’t sleep, and every thought in my head was being written in my notebook: Please God, I beg you not to take my daddy. We’ve gotten so close and I know you want him to be there for me and the twins. Just like before, you allowed him to bounce back. Can you do it again for me? Please. I won’t ask you for anything else, but having my daddy in my life is so important to me. I need him, can’t you see? Whatever he’s done to deserve this, forgive him. I’ve always been told that you forgive people, so I’m asking you to forgive Daddy and let him live. Let him live and give him another chance…

  As I continued writing, Dwayne sat next to me watching TV, and doing his best to spark a conversation. I still hadn’t said much to him, and by three o’clock in the morning, his eyes started to fade. Moments later, the phone rang and he jumped from his sleep. My heart fell to my stomach and I glared at the phone.

  “Please answer it,” I said in a whisper. Dwayne picked up the phone, and after hearing who it was, he gave it to me.

  “It’s your aunt Florence.” Before I took the phone, I could hear her loud cries. She didn’t have to say a word, I could already feel it. Daddy had gone to heaven. Not dead, but had gone to heaven. At that point, I had an out-of-body experience. It seemed as if I was in a dream, but the loss of my father was real. I dropped the phone and buried my face into my hands. Crawled into a fetal position on the couch and tightened my notebook against my chest. Definitely, I felt as if a part of me was gone and could never be replaced.

  ***

  Daddy’s funeral was painful. The church was packed with people from the Hampton family, some I had never seen before in my life. Aunt Florence introduced us to everyone as Daddy’s little girls. I tried to keep my spirits up but I just couldn’t. Dwayne, Clarence and Anthony were there for support and we all definitely needed it. After Clarence played “Amazing Grace” on his saxophone, everybody lost it.

  Rita dropped to her knees and had to be carried out of the church. “Daddy!” she shouted. “Not my daddy! God, pleeeease, no, pleeeease!”

  Mama kept squeezing her chest and I had never seen her so emotional. She could barely breathe, and many of the ushers fanned her as she, too, shouted out loudly. “Lord, why did you have to do this! Whyyyy?”

  Jesse and me couldn’t even stand to go look at Daddy. The funeral directors brought his casket to the front pew where we sat, and as I was helped to stand up, my weak legs gave out on me. I fell backwards, grabbing my stomach and pounding my legs. Dwayne hugged me, but his comfort did me no good. I lifted my head and wiped the flowing tears and snot from my face. For the last time I would see Daddy, he looked peaceful and handsome as ever. I sighed, hoping that he was now painless with God.

  Chapter Sixteen

  Through the sometimes up and many downs, Dwayne and I stayed together. When we weren’t disputing with each other, the relationship was doable. He could be considered as a genuinely nice person, until one of his rages sparked. I guessed the same could be said for me, and whenever I was rubbed the wrong way, I could get my clown on, too. A bad girl and a bad boy equaled one explosive combination.

  I had gotten pretty lazy, and the next few years of my life was not how I intended it to be. I was still sucking up the welfare system, had no intentions of finding a job and had become addicted to shoplifting. I had stepped up my game to the major department store chains and I frequented the malls on a daily basis. I sold clothes to make money, and it was so easy for me to make about three or four hundred dollars a day. The twins were in kindergarten, and while they were at school, if I wasn’t at the mall, I sat around all day long watching soap operas, hanging out with my friends and cooking. I had gained a whopping thirty-five pounds and my self-esteem had plummeted. I was looking awful for a twenty-one year old, and my tinted blonde short hair made me look ghetto.

  Dwayne, on the other hand, had a gig of his own. He and his friend, Chris, started stealing cars and selling parts for money. We had become a hustling couple and I was his Bonnie, and he was my Clyde. If anyone said anything negative about him, I would defend him. He was my protector and no one, especially in the neighborhood, dared to step to me the wrong way. If they did, they’d pay, as one dude did who called me a “bitch” for taking his parking spot. Dwayne beat his ass that day, leaving him lying in the street with a busted head.

  Keeping money in our pockets was the objective, and I was on cloud nine about being with a brotha who was classified as a thug. I found myself getting a thrill out of watching Dwayne and Chris bust out car windows and start the engine within seconds. Sometimes, I’d drive the getaway car, and other times, Chris’ girlfriend, Rosalind, did.

  To me, moneywise, we had it going on. I was his Ride or Die Chick and was down with whatever he dished my way. All the money we shared drew us closer and closer together. I had gotten a new car—a baby blue Ford Taurus. Dwayne bought himself a motorcycle and a GMC black truck that came with a sunroof and had a booming radio system. We gave the apartment an entirely new look. Bought a mauve sofa and loveseat, and set it off with black diamond shaped glass tables. Dwayne had purchased a 60 gallon octagon fish tank that
he kept Piranhas in and there was a small bar in the corner for drinking pleasures. The twins went from daybeds to canopy beds, dressed in pink and white satin bed accessories. Their closet was filled with the finest brand name clothes, all of which I had gotten by way of a five-finger discount. The kitchen had a new look as well, and was decked out with black appliances.

  Everybody in the hood wondered how we were able to afford what we’d had, and it was pretty obvious that something illegal was transpiring. I was the one often being questioned, but nobody questioned Dwayne. He always had a look that said, “Don’t fuck with me. If you do, you’ll pay.” That went for the kids in the neighborhood, too. The twins had experienced some boys outside picking on them, but after Dwayne made his threats, nobody ever messed with the twins again. No doubt about it, having him as a boyfriend definitely had benefits.

  Josh had moved out, but only a few doors away with his girlfriend. Him and Dwayne were still making late-night trips to the city, and they’d often come back high as ever. Dwayne assured me that it was only weed, and more than anything, he said their trips were all about making money.

  For him, making money had been taken to a new level. Josh and Dwayne rushed in one day, telling me they helped a friend rob a liquor store. According to them, they’d been given a cut of the cash to keep quiet. Shoplifting and car theft were enough, but robbing a liquor store? Dwayne insisted that his other friend did the dirty work and him and Josh were just stand-bys.

  “Did anybody get hurt,” I asked. “I hope not.”