In My Shoes Page 20

  With six more months to go in the program, our class was down to fourteen women, and was fading more day by day. I was there to do one thing and one thing only—get a Business Office Technology certificate that was required by many companies who were hiring for secretarial positions. Some of the women had started to cause confusion and I backed away from it. I had gotten to a point where I wasn’t trying to make any new friends and didn’t care if I was being talked about or not; kind of kept to myself every day. A lot of the women gossiped and shared their personal business with one another. I didn’t want anybody to know anything about me. All they knew was I was a sharp dresser with a lot of determination.

  My family and the pressure of trying not to let myself or Jeanette and Melinda down is what kept me going. The janitor would come in and tease me about staying so late, basically said that I needed to “get a life.” I couldn’t have agreed with him more, and I intended to get the life that my girls and I truly deserved. A few months ago, I didn’t even know how to start a computer. Now, I was learning how to type professional letters in WordPerfect and use Lotus. I could send and receive e-mails, and was up to typing 45 wpm. My fingers were moving faster and faster on a 10-Key calculator, and my English was getting much better, because we had vocabulary words to learn each week.

  After leaving school one night, I sat in my car, listening to some relaxing music. They were playing some of Dwayne’s and my favorite slow songs and the thought of him crossed my mind. I hadn’t heard from him in a long time. I didn’t have any regrets, and being away from him actually made me get off my butt and do something with myself. Going to class sure as hell beat sitting around the apartment all day looking at soap operas, arguing and waiting for him to call.

  When I arrived home, I plopped down on the couch, exhausted from my long day in class. I went over the twins’ homework with them and could barely keep my eyes open. They were still doing well in school and going over their work with them became my number one priority. After they had gone to bed, I noticed the message light blinking on the answering machine. I checked the messages, and as soon as I heard Dwayne’s voice, I deleted it. I shut it down for the night, feeling good about my decision.

  ***

  Jesse came over on the weekend to keep me company. When Charlene and Dedra saw her green Pontiac Firebird outside, they also came over. Jesse was telling us the juicy details about her and Anthony’s break-up.

  “It’s over,” she said. “I miss him, though, but everything worked out for the best.”

  I disagreed. Kept my mouth shut, because I wasn’t the one to chime in on other people’s relationships. Dedra complained about the phone bill her jailbird boyfriend was running up.

  “That sucker up to seven-hundred dollars. I do not have the money to pay for it, but I’ll somehow get it.”

  “If you are lucky enough to get it,” Charlene said. “You need to tell that Negro to stop calling so much. It ain’t that much talking in the world, and what in the hell can he do for you while locked up in jail?”

  Again, I agreed, but kept my mouth shut. Dedra went off on Charlene. “Don’t worry about what I be doing, especially with all those dudes you be having running in and out of your apartment. You giving up the goodies for free. At least I get paid by the dudes who visit me.”

  “That’s what yo mouth say. If they paying you, then your phone won’t be off next week, right?”

  “You can bet it won’t be, and as long as I look this good,” Dedra said, putting her hands on her hips and sashaying across the room. “I don’t ever have to worry about no money.”

  We were having so much fun talking that we decided to put on some clothes and take our energy to a nightclub. Jesse came up with a bet to see who could get the most phone numbers in one night. Charlene stepped it up a bit and said, “Let’s bet on who can have the most sex in one week. One hundred dollars to the winner,” she laughed. I wasn’t sure about all that, so we booted out Charlene’s trifling idea, but the phone number’s bet stayed intact.

  The outfit I was about to put on—black and see-through like a fishnet from neck to toe—was going to give me all the numbers I needed. I had even shed a few pounds and was feeling better. Of course, everyone disagreed with me getting the most numbers, especially Charlene who had the biggest booty and was confident that she’d win. Then there was Dedra who could easily pass for me and Jesse’s sister, but believed her fit body was enough to give her all the numbers she needed. I sent them home to get changed, putting them up for the challenge I’d surely win.

  I ran around searching for my eyeliner and black leather pumps. I was already running late when the phone started ringing off the hook. “Hello,” I said, barely able to hear who was on the other end.

  “Brenda, it’s Myron. Can you hear me?” Dwayne’s brother asked.

  “Yeah, Myron, I can hear you. What’s up?”

  “If possible, I need to see you. I know it’s getting late, but I don’t want to waste anymore time.” He sounded anxious.

  “Is everything okay?”

  “Naw, not really. That’s why I need to see you.”

  I was on edge, fearing for the worst. “Did something happen to Dwayne?”

  “Naw, he ain’t dead or nothing, if that’s what you’re asking me, but he is in the hospital. I don’t want to get into details over the phone, so will you come over?”

  “I was on my way out, but I’ll stop by on the way to my destination. Will it take long?”

  “Nah, it shouldn’t take long. Less than thirty minutes.”

  “Give me a few and I’ll be on my way.”

  “Thanks, Bree. You know I appreciate it.”

  Damn, I thought. What is going on now? I was all dressed up to go kick it and everyone would kill me if I backed out on them now, especially Jesse. I knew she was looking forward to us hanging out and so was I.

  I quickly changed clothes and called to tell her I would meet them at the club, after I left Dwayne’s house. She wasn’t too thrilled, but she knew that for some reason, when it came to him, I just couldn’t turn my back.

  When I got to his parents’ house, his mother answered the door, looking as if she wasn’t too happy to see me. “How are you doing, Mrs. Montgomery?” I asked.

  “I’m doing fine,” she said with a half smile, and then called for Myron to come downstairs.

  “Bree…Bree, thanks for coming on such short notice,” he said. “Come on back to the den so we can talk.” We passed through the kitchen where Mrs. Montgomery was frying some chicken. From the corner of her eye, she looked at me like something deep was on her mind. Myron and I had a seat in the den. “I didn’t mean to scare you, but I thought you were the only person who could help when it concerns Dwayne. Last night, he tried to commit suicide. He was in his room all evening with the door closed, and when my mom went to check on him, she found him layin’ there unconscious with an empty bottle of pills next to him. When the ambulance came, they pumped his chest and revived him. This morning, the hospital called and said they wanted to have him evaluated. I know my brother ain’t crazy. He just needs to stay off that shit and get his life back together.”

  I was stunned. My mouth hung open and my emotions started to run over. “Myron, I don’t know what you think I can do for him. He hates me. From what I heard, he already got several women taking care of him. What makes you think I can stop him from doing drugs?”

  “Because, I know my brother. He was happy when he was with you and the twins. That’s all he ever talked about. The only thing that messed him up was running here to the city to hang out with his boys. He talked about positive shit when he was with you. He needs to be in that environment again.”

  I shook my head from side to side. “Maybe you don’t understand. Our relationship wasn’t all that and we had some very tough times together. Two lost individuals can’t make things happen, Myron, and for years, I’ve been a burden on him and he’s been one on me. Our years together have amounted to nothing. We wer
e no good for each other and Dwayne knows that. I think we need to leave things as they are, and me going to see him will not change a thing.”

  Myron sighed; the look on his face was pitiful. “Before you say no, read this.” He handed a letter and picture to me. “I know all about y’all problems because he shared some of it with me. But believe it or not, he truly loves you. When the paramedic opened his shirt to pump his chest, this letter was under his t-shirt, along with this picture.” It was a picture of him, the twins, and me. Jesse had taken it two days after I moved into my apartment and we were all smiles. We looked so happy together, and, yes, there were times that we got along just fine. I held the letter in my hand, refusing to read it. Myron touched my hand and told me that the letter expressed his love for me, the twins and for his mother. Tears began to roll down my face. I could barely look at Myron after telling him there was nothing I could do for Dwayne.

  “Brenda, would you go see him and talk some sense into him? I’m sure he would love to see you and I know he will feel better once he does.”

  I nodded, and once Myron told me which hospital Dwayne was at, I left.

  My throat ached as I drove; I felt like someone had taken a dagger and driven it straight through my heart. Maybe I did let Dwayne down. He had been there for the twins, and when I was going through with Mama, he was there for me. This was a sickness he had and, many times, he had called out for help. Thing is, I didn’t know how to help him. Nothing I did could help him stay off drugs, and I wished that he would just leave that mess alone.

  The hospital was cold and I hated the smell of cheap disinfectant. I asked the nurse if she could direct me to Dwayne Montgomery’s room and she gave me the room number. I quietly opened the door and entered the room. There was much of nothing in the room, but four white walls and a bed that sat in the middle of the floor. Dwayne was laying on it, and as I moved closer, I could see he had been strapped to it. His eyes were closed and I could see dried blood on his nose and mouth. My heart went out to him, as he laid there helpless. I actually thought he was dead until he moved his leg. “Dwayne,” I whispered. “Can you hear me?” No response. I ran my fingers through his natural curled hair and reminisced for a minute about the day we met. Dwayne was so different then. He had been nice to me, and would do anything in the world for the twins. I gravitated to him in a flash, hoping and praying that he would be the one. Then, the drugs came: weed, PCP, crack cocaine…they took over and Dwayne had not been the same since. “I…I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. I want to help you, but you gotta help yourself too. Okay?”

  There was no response. I couldn’t bear to hang around and see him like that any longer. I bent down, kissing his forehead. As I started to walk out the door, I heard his voice.

  “Thanks for comin’ to see me.” I turned around and walked back over to him. His dull yellow eyes were open and a slow tear rolled from the corner of his eye. “You can go. I don’t want you to see me like this. I’ll call you when I get home. I promise.”

  “But...but I—”

  “Brenda, please,” he said, as his tears picked up speed.

  I swallowed hard, leaving him at peace. On the way out, the doctor asked me to step in the waiting area for a minute so we could talk. He knew exactly who I was, and said Dwayne talked about me earlier during his evaluation.

  “So, the two of you have twin daughters?” the doctor asked. I nodded, knowing that Dwayne had always claimed the twins as his own. “He really loves his daughters, but I understand that the two of you have had a tumultuous relationship.”

  I didn’t know the meaning of the word tumultuous, but would surely look it up later in the dictionary because that was something I had started to do. I assumed he meant we had a relationship from hell, and at times, yes, definitely it was. Therefore, I nodded.

  “I just want you to know that after my evaluation, I determined that Dwayne is not suicidal. It appeared to be an attempt to get attention, and that attempt went horribly wrong. He assured me after all the pain and suffering he had been through, he wouldn’t attempt it again. I shared my observation with his mother, and I advised her to keep an eye on him.”

  “Thank you,” I said. “I know you didn’t have to tell me all of this, but I appreciate it.”

  I shook the doctor’s hand and left. I was in no mood to meet Jesse and my friends at the nightclub, and I figured they would be upset with me for not showing up. Partying was the last thing on my mind, and I was sure Jesse would get enough phone numbers for the both of us.

  Chapter Twenty-One

  I’d missed the next three days of school. My instructors

  called me every day, leaving messages on my phone, and trying to find out why I wasn’t coming to class. My concerns for Dwayne was one of the reasons why, and after pleading not guilty for the shoplifting incident, and rescheduling my court date for months, finally, the judge hit me with a $750 fine. He also banned me from ever going to Shop-n-Save again and I felt like shit.

  Dwayne hadn’t reached out to me, but Myron said he was coming home from the hospital that day and I was anxious to talk to him. I left the line clear until seven o’clock, but still didn’t hear from him.

  I returned to class only to find my instructors livid with me for missing three days. I told them about the situation with Dwayne and they read me my rights.

  “You are so vulnerable, Brenda,” Melinda said. “If you allow a man to hold you back he will. You act as if you need a man to validate you and that is not the case. Girl, you got it, and I know a woman with potential when I see one. Don’t let anyone manipulate you and play on your intelligence. Promise us, right now, that you will not miss anymore days of school and your issues with men will be kicked to the curb.”

  I didn’t know why I was so lucky to have these women in my life, and what they said to me made a whole lot of sense. I promised them that I wouldn’t miss anymore days and I intended to keep that promise.

  I had to play catch-up at school and asked Charlene to pick up the kids for me. It was almost seven o’clock by the time I left school, and I was about to fall asleep in the car. When I pulled up at home, I noticed lights on in my apartment. I heard voices inside and could smell something cooking. I opened the door, making my way to the kitchen.

  “What’s up? I picked up the kids from Charlene’s and wanted to cook y’all dinner,” Dwayne said, smiling. I didn’t know how to respond. He was cleaned up with his blue-jean bibs on and Tommy Hilfiger red shirt underneath. His beard had been trimmed and his hair had major shine to it. The good-looking Dwayne I knew was back.

  “How did you get in?” I finally asked.

  “You know there’s at least fifty ways to get in here. Anyway, don’t worry about that right now. Can a brotha get a hug?”

  I walked over, giving him a hug. “It’s good to see you back on your feet,” I said.

  “It’s good bein’ back on them. I feel a whole lot better. Anyway, stop talkin’ about me. Why don’t you take a load off while I finish cookin’ y’all dinner? The twins’ been tryin’ to help, but they keep messin’ up my masterpiece.”

  “Oh really? I doubt that because my babies can cook. They be in here whippin’ up all kinds of stuff. And sometimes, I might say, the food taste better than yours.”

  We all laughed.

  Dwayne set the table, as we sat waiting to eat. “So, what’s this I hear about you goin’ to school?” he asked.

  “Yeah, I’m taking a class that’s teaching me how to type, prepare for job interviews and use computers. Once I’m finished, the instructors are going to help me find a good job. I can’t wait.”

  “That’s what’s up, Bree. How much longer you gotta go before they do that?”

  “I only got a few more months to go.”

  “Good for you, baby. I need to work on doin’ somethin’ for myself, too. Later tonight, I wanna get at you about some ideas that crossed my mind.”

  I nodded.

  The twins and I go
t down on the meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and string beans Dwayne cooked. I hadn’t cooked a good meal like that in awhile, so the twins really appreciated it. They seemed delighted that Dwayne was back and spent most of the evening filling him in on what he’d missed.

  Once I finished cleaning the kitchen, I went over the twins’ homework with them and sent them to bed so Dwayne and I could talk.

  “Bree, before I tell you what ideas I have for us, I wanted to congratulate you on the change I see in you. You seem more in control of yourself and I can’t help but notice how much more involved with the twins you are. If goin’ to school is what’s changin’ you then, go on, girl, do yo thang.”

  I smiled and Dwayne continued.

  “I’m tryin’ to find that confidence in myself. And the only way I can do it is with you. I admit to doin’ you wrong and every time I think about it, it kills me. Give me another chance. I’ll find a job and go back to school, too. I’ll do whatever you want me to do. After I took those pills, I had a chance to think about what I’ve done. All I could think about was you and the twins. I don’t want to live another day without y’all. Please, baby, just give me one more chance.”

  Dwayne reached in his pocket, placing another diamond ring on the table. I was up to four rings now, and at this point, rings or flowers meant nothing to me. Giving them to me was truly a waste of money, because love and affection had to come from the heart. Deep down, I knew there was something inside of Dwayne that cared for me, but was it enough for him to get his act together? Was he capable of letting go of the drugs? Everybody I knew would kill me if I got back with him, especially Mama. She would never approve of this, and some of my friends were so sick of the drama that they stopped coming around and calling. Many had witnessed what we’d been through and they’d think I was out of my mind for even considering reconciliation. But I was determined to prove to everybody that this could work, and I rarely listened to the recommendations of others. Besides, we had six long years invested in our relationship, and it seemed like nothing could keep us apart. I’d set him free and he came back, right? So, didn’t that mean he’d be mine forever? Maybe I could forgive him for the past…I hadn’t been no Saint either. He said he would do whatever I wanted him to do, and if he got a job, went to rehab…why not give him another chance? I struggled with my decision, and tried to justify everything that had happened. But it wasn’t long before I regretted taking him back.