In My Shoes Read online

  “Marie, what in the hell is wrong with you?” Grandma asked Mama. “You can’t put her and those babies out like that. You must be out of your mind. Brenda, get that young fella to bring your things back in here,” she ordered.

  “That nigga ain’t coming in my house!” Mama yelled.

  “Shut your mouth!” My grandmother fired back. “Brenda, go outside and get your stuff out of that young man’s car. We don’t know nothing about him, and those babies need a roof over their heads.” My grandmother was no bigger than five-two, but I wasn’t about to argue with her—neither was Mama. My grandmother’s voice carried power and when she asked you to do something, you had better done it.

  I took most of my things out of Dwayne’s car, but left a few things because I knew it would be a matter of time before Mama got upset with me again. That day, Grandma stayed, just to make sure Mama and me talked through our differences. Grandma sat at the kitchen table, trying to explain some of Mama’s funny acting ways.

  “Brenda, you, Jesse and Rita have a good mother. She just wants the best for y’all and when things don’t go right, it makes her angry. When she acts like this, she’s just being like her father. Y’all’s grandfather is something else, and the way he raised our children has done more harm than good. All those beatings, cursing at them, throwing them out of the house…that stuff used to make me sick to my stomach. I knew it would affect my children, and watching their daddy and me carry on all the time did them no good. Marie is a good daughter.” Grandma touched Mama’s hand, as she, too, sat attentively and listened. “I’m proud of her, and I want y’all to get along with each other. Life is too short and God only gives you one mother.”

  I nodded and so did Mama. I told her I was sorry for cursing at her and promised that I would soon find a place for me and the twins. What grandma had said shed light on the way Mama was. She was a product of the environment that she was brought up in, and nothing could change that. It was up to the next generation to break the cycle, but the question was if we could do it? It was strange that Grandma had only visited us a few times a year. Her showing up at the right time really had me puzzled.

  For the next few weeks, I searched the newspapers and drove around St. Louis looking for an apartment. I didn’t have much money saved, but somebody, somewhere had to work with me. In order to get on the emergency housing list, Shantell had gone to live in a shelter. Within a few weeks, they’d found her a nice apartment, better than the one she had been living in and it had more bedrooms. I promised myself that if I didn’t find an apartment by Friday, I would live in a shelter just like some other people I’d known had done.

  Friday was approaching fast and still nothing. I had some of the twins and my things packed so we could make our way to a shelter. I couldn’t take much with me because I had to show that I was homeless and didn’t have anywhere to go with my children. And in a sense, I was. Mama hadn’t been saying much to me and I could tell she wanted me out.

  On Thursday, I got in the car and drove around for hours looking for an apartment. I came across a deserted-looking complex off Woodson Road that had small apartments attached to one another. The doors were a loud orange and now leasing signs were displayed in some of the windows. I jotted down the number and drove to the nearest payphone to call. The property manager answered and asked me to meet her there in one hour. I was so anxious that I went back to the complex, sitting in the car until she came.

  When she arrived, she got out of her Mercedes Benz and introduced herself to me as Katy. She asked if I wanted to see the inside of the apartment and I was delighted to. We stepped into the small, yet cozy living room; it had dark brown carpet and bare white walls. Around the first corner was a medium-sized bedroom with a compact closet and cream colored mini-blinds covered the windows. Straight down the short hallway was a full bathroom, and directly across from it was a larger bedroom with a walk-in closet. The kitchen was at the back of the apartment. It had one small window and a door to exit from. Including a white stove and refrigerator, I was sold on the apartment. It was perfect for me and the twins.

  “How much is the rent,” I asked.

  “The apartment is for low-income people and we base the amount on your income. Depending on what it is, you could wind up paying less than ten dollars, if you’re approved.”

  My eyes widened; I couldn’t believe what she was saying. Ten dollars! I could do ten dollars and more, especially for a place like this.

  “Most of the apartments are empty right now, but we’re looking to fill them soon. I’d say you called me right on time, because the phone calls have been coming in.”

  “How soon are you looking to fill them? I was thinking about moving to a shelter, hoping they could help me find something quicker.”

  “Stay put, wherever you are. Complete this application for me and I’m sure we can work something out.”

  I leaned against the counter, completing the application full of smiles. I couldn’t believe this was happening. Katy and I shook hands, and I waited to hear back from her. Hopefully, it would be soon.

  On the way home, I had a gut feeling that everything would work out and I sighed with relief. Somebody was looking out for me, but at the time, I had no idea who it was. I mean, we’d spent plenty of Sundays going to New Northside Baptist Church on Goodfellow Blvd., but it took me a while to receive the message. I hoped that Katy wasn’t giving me the run-around and was a woman of her word. The last thing I wanted to do was live in a shelter with the homeless, but I knew I had to do whatever was necessary to get an apartment.

  When I got home, I told Jesse about the apartment and mentioned her living with me. She said it didn’t sound like there would be enough room for both of us. I agreed, but could never imagine my life without being close to Jesse. There was already emptiness with Rita being gone, and I wasn’t sure how I’d cope without seeing Jesse every day.

  It was almost five o’clock in the evening and I hadn’t heard anything from Katy yet. It seemed like everybody and their mama was calling but her. By seven, I had given up. The management office was closed and I knew she wasn’t going to call after hours.

  Finally, she called the next morning. “May I speak to Brenda Hampton?” she asked.

  “This is she,” I anxiously replied.

  “This is Katy from Property Management. I spoke to you yesterday regarding the apartment.”

  I had my fingers crossed. “Hi, Katy.”

  “Good morning. I think you will be happy to know that once you come in, sign your lease, pay your deposit, and get a police report, the apartment is yours.”

  I smiled and was so ready to jump for joy. “Wha…what else do I have to do?”

  “There are a few other things we require but I’ll discuss those with you when you come in. When would you like to make your appointment?”

  “As soon as possible.”

  “Well, the apartment won’t be ready for a couple of weeks, but let’s get the paperwork finished today. Your rent will average out to ten dollars a month and I think you can handle that, can’t you?”

  “Yes,” I said and nodded.

  “Can you meet me at my office by noon?”

  “Yes, I can. And thank you so much for your help.”

  “You’re welcome, Brenda, see you at noon.”

  I jumped for joy when I got off the phone. Jesse had been listening to my conversation and she knew that I’d gotten the apartment. She was just as excited as I was, but I knew we were going to miss each other. We laughed and talked about all the fun and freedom we would have. She knew that she could come over any time she wanted to.

  Mama was in the kitchen making some coffee and asked what all the riff-raff was about.

  “I found an apartment, Mama. I go in today to sign the lease and all I’ll have to pay is ten dollars!”

  Mama smiled, but I could also see that she wasn’t as happy as I was. “That’s good news, and ten dollars is a blessing. You know I’ll help you get anything you
need, just let me know.”

  I reached out to hug Mama, which I hadn’t done in a long time. She didn’t even put her arms around me, but that didn’t matter. I took her word that she would help me anyway that she could.

  Later that day, I called everybody I could think of to tell them the good news. Dwayne was the first.

  “It’s about damn time and I’m glad we don’t have to sneak around anymore,” he said. “This gon’ be sweet and let me know if you need help movin’.”

  “I will need help and I’ll let you know for sure. Thanks and no more sneaking around, because we have a place that we can share.”

  Dwayne was happy about that, and so was I. Within the same week Jesse, Mama and I went shopping to find things for my apartment. Jesse let me get towels, curtains, dishes, and sheets, using her Sears’ discount. I was constantly in Target and Venture, stealing my ass off! Mama picked out a simple brown and beige sofa that matched the brown carpet in the living room. She had also gone through a lot of old things at her house, packing them up for me. The twins had outgrown their baby beds and we picked out two white daybeds for them. My kitchen set was the cheapest: four straw-like wooden chairs and a glass octagon table for ninety-nine bucks. I found a black lacquer bedroom set with mirrors on the headboard and dresser. I put it on layaway, until my next welfare check came.

  Moving day was hectic, and needless to say, Dwayne was nowhere to be found. I had more things than I thought I did, and taking charge of my own move, I piled everything up in a U-haul truck and headed to my new apartment. My furniture was set up for delivery the next day, so we had to sleep on the floor for one night. Everyone liked the small two-bedroom apartment. Mama and Jesse stayed over all day, trying to help me make the place look like home. I knew they had a hard time separating themselves from the twins, because when it was time for them to go, they just couldn’t seem to do it.

  The next day, all of my furniture was delivered. The décor matched well and the apartment had already started to feel like home. I cooked a delicious dinner for us, and when Dwayne called to tell me he had gone out of town with his brother, I invited him to come over. Mama and Jesse couldn’t stop calling, asking, “How y’all doing? What y’all doing? Where are the twins?” Question after question. It was all good, though, because I was also missing them.

  Dwayne came by around six o’clock that evening. He had a bouquet of flowers, which I put in the middle of the table while we ate. After dinner, the twins went back into their room and Dwayne and I sat in the living room discussing our future. Hours and hours of conversation led to confessions from both of us. We both admitted to wronging each other, and agreed to focus more on our purpose together. After almost three years of a back-and-forth relationship, we hadn’t enhanced each other’s lives in any way, but it was either now or never.

  “I love you, girl,” Dwayne said, as he lay naked on top of me that night, looking into my eyes with much seriousness. With my legs straddled wide, I rubbed up and down his back, enjoying the feel of his bulging muscles. “We gon’ do this shit and do it right. You have my word that I’ma make yo ass happy and you ain’t never gonna have to worry ‘bout nothin’.”

  I felt safe and secure with Dwayne and trusted him, even though I knew I shouldn’t have. “I love you, too, but please don’t hurt me again. Promise me, okay?”

  Dwayne placed my legs on his broad shoulders and navigated his dick inside of me. He closed his eyes, and then let out a deep sigh. “My word, my bond, baby,” he said. “All that shit from the past is a done deal.”

  We stepped up our sexual energy that night, and as Dwayne put me on top to ride him, I put something heavy on his mind. He tightly gripped my hips, as I worked them to a rhythm his wasn’t used to.

  “Gotdaaaamn,” he shouted. “Slow that shit down, before I bust this nut! I can tell yo ass been gettin’ schooled by somebody, and you betta not ever let nobody in this pussy again.”

  I halted my moves and leaned forward to whisper in Dwayne’s ear. “When you go out and cheat, you need to bring something worthy back to the relationship. I hope you’ve been schooled, too, and if so, show me what you learned on your journey.”

  “My journey wasn’t worth it, but I’m sure I can give you what you need and more.”

  Dwayne returned to his position on top of me, fucking me so hard that I felt like nothing but a piece of meat. Once it was over, he moved next to me in bed and fell asleep. I lay there thinking if he would keep his word and about the journey we both had been on with others. Instantly, my thoughts turned to Miles. I had gotten so accustomed to the way we used to have sex that I had forgotten about what it felt like to be with Dwayne. It was…different, and oral sex or any kinds of foreplay with him wasn’t on the agenda. A while back, Dwayne had made it perfectly clear that he would never go down on a woman. And I made it clear to him that if you don’t do me, I don’t do you. Either with Miles or Dwayne, there was still something lacking. Maybe, a little something known as passion. This couldn’t be what sex was all about, and if it was, I didn’t see the purpose for it, especially after what had happened with Lance.

  I couldn’t sleep, so I went into the living room and spent time writing in my notebook. By now, I had a box full and almost every single page was filled with my daily thoughts. There were words of pain, as well as happiness. I just couldn’t get enough of spilling my guts, and that night I wrote about my new apartment: Yes, I’m finally on my own! Freedom rings and I couldn’t be more excited. I miss Mama and Jesse already, but I got Dwayne and my kids here with me. We’re going to be a happy family. Dwayne has been a decent father to the twins and I’m so thankful to him for stepping in and becoming a father to my babies. Never thought I would see this day come, and it feels like a new beginning. My beginning and I’m going to make the best of it. Dwayne and me both. We say we love each other, but do I really know what love is? Does he? I’m not sure if this is what it feels like, but over time, things will get better between us. They have to and having my own place is a start…

  Chapter Fourteen

  After only a few months in my perfect little apartment, things started to quickly change. Even though Dwayne hadn’t officially moved in with me, his friends were hanging out all day long and so were mine. The apartment was barely big enough for us, and when other people came over, it was crammed. The only alone time we spent with each other was late at night—usually, after midnight. Many days, I left with the twins to go for walks, upset with him because of his friends. He, of course, was upset with the continuous visits from mine. And if Jesse came over, he had a serious attitude. There was something about her he did not like and vice versa.

  Several more months had gone by and things really started to get out of hand. Dwayne had everything in his control. He scared most of my friends away with his bad attitude, and for a while, they stopped coming over. My attitude didn’t seem to stop his friends, though. They were knocking on the door at seven in the morning and weren’t leaving until way after midnight. Mama helped me purchase a get-out-and-push green Horizon, so the twins and I were rarely at home.

  I’d come back from the grocery store one day, and Dwayne and his friends had cleared out. Kentucky Fried Chicken containers and soda cans were all over my living room, smoked blunts were in an ashtray and the whole place was funky. As I started to clean up, I noticed a long slit in my couch and cotton was coming out of it. Déjà vu, I thought. This was similar to what had happened to Mama? I beeped Dwayne to inquire about it, but hours passed and he hadn’t called me back. I paced the living room, fearing that something bad had happened to him. Something had to be wrong, because it wasn’t like him not to call me back.

  Finally, at a quarter to four in the morning, he put the key in the door and walked in. I was sitting on the couch in my pink cotton pajamas, with foam rollers in my hair, waiting on him with my arms folded.

  “Where have you been?” I asked with an attitude.

  “What?” he said, pretending as if he didn’t
hear me.

  “You heard me!” I yelled.

  “Damn, why you yellin’? I was at Lester’s house playin’ cards.”

  “Why haven’t you returned my pages?”

  “Because my battery was low in my pager.”

  I got off the couch and turned on the light so I could see his face. I could always tell if he was lying because his nostrils flared as he talked. He was also slurring and his hazel eyes were blazing red. Next thing I knew, he slumped over and fell on the couch. “Dwayne,” I said, shaking his shoulder. “What in the hell happened to my couch?”

  “Wha…what did you say?” His face was buried in the sofa. I lifted his head so he could face me.

  I asked again, “What happened to my couch?” He fell backwards and threw his hands up in the air.

  “Shit, I don’t know. Why don’t you stop yellin’ so damn loud? My head hurts.”

  He quickly jetted off the couch, trying to make it to the bathroom but couldn’t. He vomited all over the couch and on the floor. When he was finished, he curled up on the floor and went to sleep. I went to the linen closet and got several towels to clean up his mess. It was disgusting but I didn’t want my apartment to smell like a garbage truck.

  By morning, Dwayne managed to get off the floor and make his way into the bedroom. He was knocked out until late in the afternoon. I was in the living room combing one of the twins’ hair and he sat down on the couch right next to me. He laid his head on my shoulder, but still upset with him, I shrugged him off.

  “Baby, I’m sorry,” he said. “I got so fucked up last night that I lost track of time. I promise you I won’t ever drink again. That shit ain’t for me.”

  “What happened to my couch?” I asked, still pouting.

  “I don’t know. What are you talkin’ ‘bout?” He looked down at the couch and saw the slit. “Bree, I’ll buy you a new couch, okay? I got a friend who owns a furniture store and I know he’ll give me a good deal on some furniture.”