In My Shoes Read online

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  I reconciled not for love, nor because I couldn’t depart with Dwayne’s dick, as some people had thought. They were on the outside looking in, and had no idea that I felt deeply sorry for Dwayne and had hope that after so many years together, things would eventually turn around. Little did I know, I should have felt sorry for myself. Ever since he’d hit me that day, the high pitch of his voice made me nervous. I was living in fear. Fear that he’d do something to me, or fear that he’d do something to himself. Fear that he’d leave forever, and the twins would never again see the man they had grown to know as their father. I did my best to keep the peace, but I didn’t realize that this thing with Dwayne was so much bigger than me. His issues required more than love from a girlfriend who truly didn’t know what love meant. No matter what I did to help him, I would learn that it would never be enough to get him on the right track.

  He had found a job at a factory making ten dollars an hour and I was in my last few weeks of training class. I’d been sent on two interviews and neither one went my way. I failed the typing test on one of them because the supervisor made me take the test on an ancient typewriter that looked liked it hadn’t been used in years. And the other one said they were looking for someone with a little more experience. I was feeling a bit down, but my instructors convinced me when the right opportunity came along, I would get it.

  On my last day, the school held a ceremony for me and the twelve other women who stuck in there and did what they had to do to get their certificate. I was so proud of myself, and was tearful when they presented me with it, thinking this day would never come. Like my graduation, no one was there to share this moment with me, but it didn’t bother me one bit. I wasn’t going to let anyone steal my joy, and I was starting to feel better about my future. I didn’t have a job yet, but just by having some skills, I knew a decent job was well within my reach.

  As I packed up my belongings, Jeanette and Melinda asked me to come into their office so we could talk about where I needed to go from there.

  “You did remarkably well in this program, Brenda,” Jeanette said. “We would like for you to share your experience with other young ladies, so that they’ll be excited about joining the program.”

  “I would love to,” I said. “Just let me know when and where, and I’ll be there.”

  “There’s a catch. You’ll have to do it on TV. A talk-show host is going to interview you about the program, allowing you to answer questions. We’ll help you prepare for it and I’m positive that you’ll do well.”

  Geesh, these ladies had a lot of faith in me, and yet again, I could not let them down. I agreed to do it and we all were pretty ecstatic about it.

  When I got home, I couldn’t wait to tell everybody the news. Not only did I have my certificate, I was going to be on TV! My family was happy for me and my aunt Florence said she would tape it. My girlfriends were trying to figure out what they had to do to join the program, but when I told Dwayne, he was negative about it.

  “I hope you don’t embarrass yourself on national TV, telling people you’re on welfare. Not only that, but what if the kids’ teachers or classmates see it? I bet they’ll make fun of the twins.”

  My joy quickly turned to doubt. I knew how cruel some kids could be. Did I really want to put my business out there like that? Realizing I didn’t, I called Melinda that night to renege on the offer.

  “Brenda, no you aren’t going to do this to me,” she said, sounding very disappointed. “I already called the talk-show host at the station and told her you would do it. If you don’t wish to talk about being on welfare, then don’t mention it. Our purpose is not to degrade you; it’s to give you the opportunity to share your experience with other single young mothers in your situation and give them hope. Brenda, you’re an inspiration. All we want you to do is talk about what you learned and what efforts you put forth to make it to this point. Please don’t back out on me,” she pleaded.

  An inspiration, I thought. Could I really, indeed, inspire others? “Alright, I won’t back out. I’ll meet you downtown next week at nine o’clock sharp.”

  “Thanks, sweetie. And by the way, I know it wasn’t you calling me. It was your boyfriend. This is a prime example of what I meant when I said he manipulates you. Just a little advice from a sista who has been there before. He doesn’t want you to succeed. He is intimidated by you and will bring you down as long as you keep him. You’re in a pursuit for happiness and let no one weigh you down.”

  She’d hit it right on the money and that’s exactly what I was doing. The weight was heavy, and I just needed to stop it from keeping me down. “Yeah, you’re right,” I said, trying to talk as Dwayne was sitting right next to me, listening to my every word. “Thanks for the advice. I’ll see you next week.”

  When I hung up the phone, Dwayne couldn’t wait to ask, “So, what did you tell her?”

  “I told her I would see her next week to do the program. She said I didn’t have to mention being on welfare if I didn’t want to. Said my only purpose would be to inspire other women to join the program.”

  “Well, it sounds like a stupid idea to me. Why can’t they talk to people about the program? Why they gotta use you and they ain’t payin’ you jack.”

  “Dwayne, I’m not afraid to share this experience with anyone. If I can convince other women to do the same, then I will. So be it.”

  He threw his hands up and went into the kitchen. I followed, continuing to talk. "You know, I wish you would support me just a little bit. You supported me when I was out there shoplifting, so why can’t you support me now?” He didn’t say a word; continued making his sandwich as if he didn’t hear me.

  Over the next few days, I wrote down what I was going to say in my notebook: The JPC Futures Program is the best thing that ever happened to me. With the help of my instructors, I learned how to type, use a computer and how to prepare myself for Corporate America. If I can do it, you can do it too!...

  I practiced day in and out, and each time I rehearsed, I thought I sounded like a fool. I called Melinda, telling her I was getting cold feet.

  “Just speak from your heart,” she said. “You’ll have no problem doing so.”

  I thanked her and hung up. Now, how in the heck was my heart going to speak for me? I wasn’t sure.

  I stood in front of my closet, trying to find something to wear. I must have tried on twenty different outfits, until I came across a brown pin-striped suit I swooped up from the mall a while back. It still had tags on it and when I tried it on, it was perfect. I put on a cream blouse underneath it and accessorized the outfit with gold costume jewelry. I looked like a million bucks and was ready—ready to show the world the new and improved Brenda Hampton.

  The day before the TV program aired, I called everyone to remind them to watch it. Mama said she had told all of her friends to watch, and the twins had even gone to school and bragged to their teachers and classmates about their mother being on TV. I got letters from their teachers congratulating me and wishing me well.

  Dwayne came in from work that evening, looking tired and with a serious attitude. He didn’t even speak, just walked right into the bathroom and took a shower. The twins and I were in the kitchen putting icing on a chocolate cake I’d baked earlier. We had chocolate everywhere and when one of them splattered icing on my face, it was on. We started tossing icing all over the place. Of course, I won the fight, but when I realized I had to be the one to clean up the mess, they laughed.

  Dwayne came out of the bathroom with a white towel wrapped around his waist. “Hey, have you seen my razor?” he said, interrupting our chocolate fight.

  I licked chocolate off the spatula. “No, I haven’t, but can a sista get a hello or something?” He just glared at me, cut his eyes, and then went into the bedroom.

  After I cleaned up the mess in the kitchen, I went into the bedroom to see what was troubling Dwayne. I was having a pretty good day, but of course, that wouldn’t last for long.
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  “Are you alright?” I asked. “Seems like you got something on your mind.”

  “Every time I look for somethin’ around this damn apartment, I can’t find it. You need to put shit back where it belongs and clean this junky muthafucka up!”

  I ignored the part about the apartment being junky—it was. “I haven’t seen your razor, and if anybody misplaced it, it was you. Besides, you had an attitude before you couldn’t find your razor, so what’s up?”

  He threw his hand back and started to get dressed. “Nothin’ Bree. Ain’t nothin’ wrong. Gon’ in the kitchen and finish cleanin’.”

  “I will, but I’d really like to find out what’s bugging you first. You know, this is why our relationship was messed up before. We didn’t communicate with one another. Whenever something is on your mind, I want to know about it. Maybe I can help, maybe I can’t. I’d still like to know.”

  Dwayne sat on the bed, sliding on his black steel-toe boots. “You know damn well what’s on my mind. Don’t stand there and pretend you don’t know I’m upset with you about goin’ on TV tomorrow. Every time I try to tell you somethin’, you don’t listen. You call up all your girlfriends and listen to their advice, but you won’t listen to me, and I’m supposed to be yo man. I told you I didn’t want you doin’ that interview, but you doin’ what you wanna do.”

  I frowned, confused by him being upset. “Hold up a minute. I’m doing this because I want to do this. As for listening to what other people say, yeah, I listen but I don’t always take their advice. If I did, we wouldn’t be together. I know this is something God—”

  “There you go always throwin’ God up in yo mess. You be killin’ me with that. And goin’ forward, I’m not gon’ listen to you and you don’t have to listen to me. As a matter of fact, I’m quittin’ my job and movin’ out tomorrow. The reason I got one anyway was to make yo ass happy. The reason I stayed here with you was to please you. I asked you to do one damn thing for me and you can’t even do it.”

  I threw my hands in the air. “Hey, that’s fine with me. It’s your life, not mine. We both seem to be on the right path, and the reason things are slightly changing is because we finally got off our asses and tried to do something with our lives. If you don’t want this anymore, good luck to you and God bless.” I left the bedroom and went back into the kitchen. Dwayne followed.

  “So, now all of a sudden you got this attitude like you don’t need me, huh? You think just because you got a li’l business certificate that makes you better than me? Well, I got news for you, baby. You ain’t got what it takes to be a success. You should have stuck with shopliftin’ because that’s the only damn thing you’re good at. And as for this TV interview tomorrow, what a joke. The only reason I tried to stop you is because I didn’t want you makin’ a fool out of yourself on national TV.”

  His words stung. I swallowed hard and let out a deep sigh. “If I’m not worth anything, then why are you with me? Just leave, Dwayne, and go live your life without me. Please,” I begged.

  His voice rose and he held his finger close to my face. “I’ll leave this fuckin’ apartment when I get ready to leave.”

  “You just said you were leaving tomorrow. Go ahead and leave now.”

  He lowered his finger and stood face-to-face with me, gritting his teeth. “What you gon’ do if I don’t leave?”

  “If you touch me, I’m calling the police to have you arrested.”

  He yelled, and as he spoke, his spit sprinkles dotted my face. “Bitch, I don’t give a fuck about the police! You of all people should know that by now. Them muthafuckas excite me! Go ahead, call ’em!” He paused for a minute. “No, I tell you what. You don’t have to call them. I’m gonna leave because I can’t stand bein' around you. You make me sick, always tryin’ to be better than everybody else. If I didn’t have another cold-ass bitch waitin’ for me, I’d fuck you up.” He pushed my head, slamming it into the wall beside me. I held the side of my face, and reached out my other hand to punch his back. I may have been scared of Dwayne, but that didn’t stop me from fighting back. When he turned, he landed a hard punch directly at my mouth. I covered it with my hand and looked at the twins, who stood in the kitchen with frowns on their faces. I knew that going after Dwayne would lead to a straight-up brawl between us, and as he turned away from me, I quickly picked up the phone, dialing 911. Like always, Dwayne jetted before the cops got there, but not before kicking the bedroom door off the hinges.

  When the police arrived, they already knew the story. I didn’t have to provide a name, address…anything, as they already knew the routine. Brenda Hampton and Dwayne Montgomery had been at it again. Through the eyes of everyone standing outside watching me talk to the police, the saga continued.

  Once the police left, I went into the bathroom and had to face myself again. My lip was bleeding and it had swelled. I got a towel to make myself an ice pack. I knew I had no one to blame but myself. Making him get a job and trying to keep him here with me, so he’d stay on the right track was not the answer. He needed serious help. Help that I, in no way, could give him.

  By morning, my lips were numb. Most of the swelling was on the inside of my lips, where it was black and blue. The outside still looked puffy and I covered a tiny cut with foundation and lipstick. I figured I wouldn’t have to open my mouth that wide to talk, so maybe no one would notice. The thought of backing out of the interview did cross my mind, but something inside wouldn’t let me do it. It dawned on me that Dwayne had planned to spark an argument with me all along. He was determined to keep me needing him, but the truth of the matter was, I didn’t need him at all. I’d felt a sudden heap of strength. That same strength wouldn’t let me break down and cry last night, and it was my motivation that got me out of bed and made me eager to do the interview than ever before.

  I dropped the twins off at school and headed for the TV station. When I got there, Jeanette and Melinda were waiting for me. Both of them encouraged me to go out there and do my best.

  “We know you can do it,” Jeanette said, holding my hand. “Relax and keep displaying that pretty smile.”

  “I got this,” I teased and we all laughed.

  The host who was going to interview me directed me to sit side-by-side with her in a big leather beige chair. It relaxed me, but the butterflies in my stomach wouldn’t go away. When I looked at Jeanette and Melinda standing behind the glass window with their fingers crossed, I smiled. My nervousness had subsided a bit, but I wasn’t sure how my interview would turn out.

  The Director yelled, “Lights, Camera and…you’re on.” The lights came on and lit up the entire studio.

  “Good morning, everyone. My name is Leslie Bridges and I have a graduate from the Jobs Partnership Center here with me today, Miss Brenda Hampton. After a short break, we’re going to talk about the program and Brenda is going to explain why she thinks many of you out there should be a part of it. Right Brenda?”

  The Director turned the camera to me. “Yes,” I smiled. “You’re absolutely correct.”

  The camera turned on Miss Bridges again. “So, don’t go anywhere. We’ll be right back and you all are in for a treat.”

  I took a deep breath, and was very impressed by the host. Her words were crisp and clear; she’d obviously been doing this for a long time. She would definitely be a hard act to follow, but I was determined to do my best.

  During the break she held my hand and said a prayer. She told me if I got nervous to speak from the heart. Again, speaking from the heart didn’t make much sense to me. I had written pages and pages of things to say and that’s what I was going to speak from.

  The lights came back on and the host introduced me again. It was my turn to talk about the program and I was advised to focus on the big camera in front of me. I immediately froze up and tried to quickly think about what I had written down on paper. I drew a blank and couldn’t remember one word. Then all of a sudden, I started talking about my experience with the program. How it helped me?
How long it took me to complete the course? What I learned from the program? Hell, I even talked about being on welfare and that definitely wasn’t in the plan. I rattled on so much, the host had to cut me off and take another break.

  When all was said and done, my instructors were overjoyed. The host thanked me for coming and the lights went out. They all hugged me, congratulating me on a job well done. The host thought I’d done so well, she asked me to fill in for her in her absence. I knew she was just kidding, but it sure as hell would have been nice.

  Afterward, Jeanette and Melinda took me to a fancy Chinese restaurant in Clayton, a richy-rich neighborhood. I thanked them for selecting me to do the interview, and was so glad that I’d gone through with it.

  Before the waiter served our food, I sat thinking about my interview. I’d spoken from my heart and what a waste of time I spent writing my comments on paper. My heart was trying to reach out to women who were in the same situation as I was. I was trying to convince them that welfare wasn’t the answer to having a rewarding and fulfilling life. My only hope was that I’d gotten through to somebody…anybody.