In My Shoes Read online

  “Get ooooout!” I yelled. “And stay out!”

  Feeling as if I couldn’t do anything else to defend myself, I got on my knees, praying out loudly. “Lord, please help me,” I begged. “Remove this man from my life, because I have no need for him.”

  As I continued in a tearful prayer, I could hear the twins’ cries echo through my ears. Dwayne’s voice rang out the loudest, but I did my best to tune him out and kept on praying.

  “You’re a silly bitch! Don’t go callin’ for Him now,” he said standing over me. “He ain’t gonna help yo ass.”

  I kept at it. “Lord please, right now Lord. You’ve shown me time and time again that this relationship wasn’t for me, but I ignored your signs. I’ve paid the price, and from now own, I promise to be obedient. Look upon me and my children right now and save us! I need peace and I need him removed from my life.” I lifted my head, wiping the tears from my face.

  Dwayne squatted face-to-face with me. “Yo ass is stupid. God don’t hear people like you. You’re a thief, a liar, a cheat and a poor excuse for a mother. ” He gathered saliva in his mouth and spat in my face. I took a hard swallow and didn’t say a word. I got off the floor and walked over to a drawer that carried the butcher knife that I’d seen right before he’d entered the kitchen. I knew this wasn’t God answering my prayer, but it was only me, trying to seek satisfaction for all that had been done to me. I charged at Dwayne with the knife in my hand and for several seconds, my mind went blank. Silence fell over the room. My vision was blurred and when I snapped back into the moment, I saw dripping blood on the razor-sharp knife. The twins arms were tightly gripped around my waist and Dwayne had run towards the door while holding his bloody shoulder. I dropped the knife to the floor, and grabbed my terrified children in my arms.

  Moments later, I locked the front door, put the chair back in front of it and hurried into my bedroom. I thought about calling the police, but I didn’t want them taking me to jail, leaving my kids behind. And I definitely didn’t want to contact anyone in my family. They were frustrated about what had been going on between Dwayne and me too. I checked the windows in every room to make sure they were locked. Surely, I feared for our lives and I didn’t know what Dwayne would do after this incident. He had been shot before, and the dude who was responsible didn’t live much longer after that. I knew what Dwayne was capable of and I had no idea how bad his injury was. I put the twins in bed with me and told them to go back to sleep.

  As I lay across my bed thinking, I got back on my knees for the second time that night. “Lord, I’m sorry for what I’ve done. I know it wasn’t your answer, but I felt like I didn’t have a choice. Please watch over us and protect us from all evil. Give me strength to make it through this. I want to…need to do better.” I couldn’t help but ask. “Why me Lord? What did I do to deserve all of this?” I paused, before asking God to watch over the intruder who almost took my life.

  By morning, I wasn’t up to going to work, so I called in sick. The twins were in the kitchen already, trying to make me breakfast. I saw the big mess they were making, and I told them we’d make breakfast together. As I looked at them, it was like last night had never happened. They didn’t say anything about it and spent the day playing games in their room, painting pictures and watching television downstairs.

  With a migraine headache, I laid in bed catching up on one of my favorite soap operas I hadn’t seen in a while. The phone rang, and when I answered, it was Dwayne’s mother. She got right to the point.

  “Brenda, what happened last night? Dwayne came home with blood all over his shirt and I had to take him to the emergency room to get stitches.”

  “Mrs. Montgomery, it’s a long story. Dwayne came here last night high on something, and we started arguing. He pushed me around, threatened me and disrespected me in front of my children. He keeps coming over here bothering me, and when he spit in my face,” I paused, swallowing to clear my aching throat. “I vaguely remember the details but I…I did stab him.”

  “Dwayne and you have been at this mess for too many years. I’m sick of it! I don’t understand why you can’t leave each other alone. Last night, I told him he better not ever step foot in your home again. And if he does, his father and I will make sure we deal with him. Be done with it, Brenda, and don’t you ever open up that door for him again.”

  If anybody could get through to Dwayne, it was his mother. She pretty much stayed out of our arguments, but when she did intervene, Dwayne, sometimes, listened.

  As I started to feel better about our conversation, Mrs. Montgomery continued. “Brenda, you haven’t done Dwayne any favors by supporting him while he’s on drugs. You never let him see what it was like to fall flat on his face, and every time you picked him up, he got worse. He knew if I wouldn’t be there for him, he’d always have you. If you haven’t already, it’s time to let go. If you were my daughter, I’d encourage you to wash your hands and never look back. Keep Dwayne away from your children and stop subjecting them to all of this foolishness. They may not understand all of this now, but one day they will. You don’t want them to grow up thinking or believing that the kind of relationship you’re in with Dwayne is a healthy one.”

  She was right, but I still tried to justify my actions. “Mrs. Montgomery, a part of me always thought we were destined to be together. We’d been on and off again since high school and I didn’t want to let those years go to waste. I thought he’d change. I always felt as if I could help him overcome his habit. I did my best to help him, but Dwayne treated me like his enemy. I don’t understand—”

  “He will never be what you want him to be. He hasn’t fallen yet and his issues are beyond your control. One day, he’ll realize all of his mistakes. Until then, you stay away from him. Take care of yourself and your daughters, and I wish you well. If I find out you let him back into your home, for any reason, I’ll deal with you myself.”

  “Yes Ma’am,” I said, showing her respect.

  “I love my son, Brenda,” she said, getting choked up. “I know when he’s done wrong. Still, I’m not going to stand by and let another woman take him away from me, as you could have easily done last night. His destiny is not in your hands and you can’t pave the way for him. He has to do it for himself, and with you having children, I’m sure you understand.”

  “Yes, I do. You have my word that I will never involve myself with your son again.”

  “Thank you,” she said.

  “Kiss the girls for me, and before you go, Dwayne has something that he wants to say to you. Hold on.”

  I held my breath as I listened to Dwayne apologize to me for last night. “I know you’re tired of hearin’ it, but those drugs are fuckin’ with me. Bad. I’ma get some help and get myself together. You know I would never do anything to intentionally hurt you or the twins. It would break my heart if they are left with memories of me like this. I’ma step back and let you do your thing. Take care of my girls for me and just pray for me, au’ight?”

  I rushed to speak, because no matter what, I still wanted the best for him. “I will pray for you, always. And the twins will always love you, but we both have been reckless parents that they don’t deserve. They deserve better, and as their mother, I owe it to them to get this right. You have to get focused on you, and get your life together. It’s imperative, because you can’t go on living like this. I know that giving up those drugs is easier said than done, but they have turned you into a man that I never thought you would be. Please get help. I’m begging you, before it’s too late. Tell your mother I said thanks for calling and I’ll be rooting for you.”

  There was silence, and then Dwayne hung up. Little did I know, it would be the last conversation that we would ever have, but a sudden calm came over me. At that moment, I thanked God for my life, and prayed for Dwayne. I started to feel better, so I made the twins put on some clothes so we could go to the playground. While they played, I sat on the bench writing in a notebook that I had carried to the playgroun
d with me. I was hopeful that this was a true turning point in my life: I hope I’m not fooling myself, again, but for some reason, I feel as though this is the end of me and Dwayne. I’m sad, but glad. I take some responsibility for this ongoing mess and I’m not going to play the victim because I contributed to years of this chaos too. I didn’t want to hurt him yesterday, but he left me no choice. If this continues on, one of us will die. I appreciate him being there for the twins, but it’s time to let go. They’ll be fine, and I’m so glad that they’ve met some new friends in the neighborhood. I love my babies and it’s because of them that I want to live on and do better. I will do better…

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  I hadn’t been working in the Member Services department for one month, before rumors started to circulate. Physician’s Health Plan was downsizing. Because night school and my job became too much for me to handle, I’d quit school and was now regretting it. However, since my manager, Elaine, and I had developed an excellent work relationship, she called me into her office and shared the information with me firsthand.

  “Maybe another month or so with the company,” Elaine said. “And after that, many of us will be looking for new jobs. But whatever move I make, I’d love to take you right along with me. You’re a hard worker, Brenda, and I love how you are with our customers. What you don’t know is many of them call to let me know how helpful you’ve been to them. That’s great and you should feel good about that.”

  “I do,” I said. I was still a bit nervous about losing my job, and I hoped my manager was able to hook up something for me.

  On my way back to my desk, I never thought, in a million years, a White lady would be so committed to helping me, but she seemed to genuinely have my back. I had felt that way because of those White police officers in my neighborhood who displayed true racism. I shouldn’t have put all White people in one category, and it became obvious that the color of my skin wasn’t an issue for everyone. As long as I showed I was capable of doing my job, I earned my respect in the work place.

  It wasn’t long, actually weeks after I had spoken to Elaine, before the pink slips had been handed down at work and more were on the way. I hadn’t gotten mine yet, but it was soon to come. Elaine had already interviewed with a new healthcare company, Health Partners of the Midwest, and she gave me a lead on a position in Sales and Marketing. She said her job was pretty much set in stone, but I definitely had to sell myself in the interview. I called to set it up for the next day.

  When the next day came, I put on my dark blue pantsuit and black pumps. My portfolio was in one hand and my short resume was in the other. The company was in Clayton, an elite part of town that was known for having lavish homes and buildings. I took the elevator to the tenth floor of the building and made my exit. Nothing but class hit me, as I walked through the tinted double doors and stood in front of the receptionist.

  “My name is Brenda Hampton, and I’m here to see Mr. Joseph Schnieder for the lead administrator position in Marketing.”

  “I’ll let him know you’re here.” She placed an application on top of her desk. “Please have a seat and fill out this application. Mr. Schnieder will be with you shortly.”

  I took a seat in the leather comfy chair, breezing through the application—until I came to a question that asked: Have you ever been convicted of a crime? If so, explain. I hesitated for a minute, and then checked no.

  When I was finished, I gave the clipboard back to the receptionist and she called Mr. Schnieder again. He came out wearing a pin-striped black suit, silver framed round glasses that had a tint, and his hair was a smooth salt-and-pepper gray. He was an older White man, but was very handsome.

  “Brenda Hampton?” he asked, holding out his hand.

  “Yes, Mr. Schnieder. How are you?” I kept a bright smile on my face while shaking his hand.

  “Come this way. You’ll have to excuse my office; it’s a mess. We’re just now getting things moved in and I can’t find a darn thing. Have a seat,” he said, directing me to the chair in front of his mahogany desk.

  He made a ticking sound with his mouth while looking over my application. “So, let’s see here. I see most of your background has been with the health insurance industry, particularly in customer service. I assume you can use a computer and you must know how to deal with irate people very well.”

  “Yes,” I laughed, feeling the tightened knot in my stomach loosen. “Very well.”

  He removed his glasses, placing them on his desk. “First, let me tell you what I’m looking for in the Marketing department, and then you tell me if it sounds like something you would be interested in.”

  “Okay,” I said, sitting back and listening.

  Big responsibilities, I thought as he talked. The position sounded interesting, but it was way out of my league. When he started talking bid letters, proposals, quotes, brokers, underwriting and spreadsheets, I figured this job was more than I could handle. But when he mentioned the stunning starting salary, and said they would train me, I had a whole new attitude. I could do this, I thought. Most definitely. I always caught on pretty quickly, and this job would be no exception.

  “So, Ms. Hampton, does this sound like something you would be interested in?”

  “Yes, it does, Mr. Schnieder. I truly believe I can be an asset to this company, if given the opportunity.”

  “Good, because you came highly recommended,” he said, writing something on my application. “How soon can you start?”

  “As soon as you’d like me to,” I said. “But I would ask that you allow me to give my present employer two week’s notice.”

  “Sure, that’ll be no problem.” He stood, extending his hand to mine. We shook. “Come on, let me show you around,” he said, making his way around his desk.

  I followed him out the door, thinking about how halfway through the interview, he’d put me at ease with his great sense of humor. The intimidation I’d felt when I first laid eyes on him disappeared.

  “Since you’re going to be my Lead Administrator for Marketing, I need you close by. Your desk will be right here,” he said, pointing to a spacious cubical area close to his office and next to his secretary. “I’m going to fill the rest of this area with your staff. These people will report to you and the Marketing Manager, which you already know will be Elaine. So, if you know of any qualified individuals who would be interested, send them my way.”

  I told Mr. Schnieder I would, and I quickly learned that Corporate America was all about who you know, not necessarily what you know. After the tour, he gave me directions to take a physical exam, and to bring back a police record check for Human Resources. I damn near fainted. I shook his hand, thanking him before I walked back to the elevator. I can kiss that job goodbye, I thought. When he finds out I lied on the application, he was going to find somebody else. I was disappointed—my past had finally caught up with me.

  Since the record’s building was in the vicinity, I decided to go there to find out what was actually on my police record. I’d heard after a few years, convictions were removed from your record, as long as you stayed out of trouble.

  I pulled a number and stood in line. When the woman called my number, I gave her my driver’s license so she could search for my information. She hit key after key on the keyboard, frowning as she looked at what was on the computer and sighed.

  “I’ll have to mail this to you,” she said. “There are too many convictions on file.”

  My heart sank to my stomach and face cracked all at the same time.

  I felt so disgusted with myself. I was warned that this mess would come back to haunt me. How did I ever let this happen to me? I wanted that job so bad I could taste it, but there was no way I could tell Mr. Schnieder I’d lied on my application. He would never want to hire someone who was known as a thief, and I knew my police report painted me out to be a serious criminal.

  I went home feeling rotten about myself. Earlier, I couldn’t wait to get home and break the news, b
ut now there wasn’t any sense in me calling anyone. Elaine had left a message, asking how the interview had gone. I knew I had to call her back, at least to thank her for the high recommendation.

  “Hi, Elaine,” I said in a gloomy mood. “This is Brenda.”

  “Hello,” she said with excitement. “So, how did it go?”

  “It went well.”

  “Well, why do you sound like it didn’t? Did he offer the job to you?”

  “Yes, he did but—” I paused, taking a moment to gather my thoughts.

  “Brenda, sweetie, what’s wrong? Are you okay?”

  I waited before speaking. This was so damn embarrassing, and to me, my police report did not paint a clear picture of who I really was, or should I say, had become. People changed, but I didn’t know how to say that to Elaine. “Yes, I’m okay but there’s something I have to tell you. At a time in my life when things weren’t going too good for me, I turned to crime. I shoplifted to make money and had to face the judge several times for doing so. I also had a confrontation with an officer and he arrested me for obstruction of justice. Mr. Schnieder asked me for a police report and my convictions are on there. On my application, I checked that I didn’t have a criminal history. There’s no way I can go back and tell him I lied. What will he think of me?”

  “Listen, don’t be so upset. We’ve all done things in our lives we aren’t proud of. Tomorrow, call him and tell him exactly what you told me. You’re a good person, Brenda, and a darn good employee. Your past should not matter, but you have to be honest with him. I’m sure he made you a good offer, so you call him back and get that offer! By all means, you deserve it.”