In My Shoes Read online

  “I’m sorry, Mama,” was all I could say, as distress was written all over her face.

  “Sorry?” she gasped. “Brenda, how could you? What do you know about sex? You know your Mama ain’t got enough money to take care of no baby. How do you think you’re going to take care of a baby?”

  For some stupid reason, Omar’s name came out of my mouth. “He said that he’d help me take care of it.”

  Mama didn’t say another word, and after Dr. Paris completed his examination, he confirmed the pregnancy to her again.

  Never, ever did I think about the consequences. And to top it off, Omar had left me to handle this all by myself. I didn’t even think about how much this would affect Mama, and she was barely making ends meet. Who in the hell was I to go out and get myself pregnant, just to make matters worse. Dropping out of school, and finding a job to help out was not an option anymore. It was inevitable.

  On the drive home, Mama couldn’t stop crying and neither could I. We didn’t say anything to each other, but when we got home, she asked for Omar’s telephone number. When I gave it to her, she called to ask him about the baby. I don’t know what he told her, but all I heard her say was he would have to help take care of his responsibilities. So much for that.

  Adding to my misery, Mama called many of our family members, telling them about my pregnancy. She sniffled as she talked, but for some reason, when she told my Aunt Gerry, Mama was more at ease. Aunt Gerry’s daughter had a baby and she told Mama about how delighted she was to be a grandmother.

  Things had settled down that day, and finally, Mama came into my bedroom, ready to talk about the baby. I thought she was still upset with me, but I guess she realized that being angry wasn’t going to help my situation.

  “Brenda,” she said with a serious look on her face. Her forehead lined with wrinkles as she spoke. “What are you going to do with a baby? Have you thought about it?”

  I was mortified, but I did have somewhat of a plan. “Yes, Mama, I have a plan. I’ll have to get a job and take care of it. If I don’t find one, I’m going to apply for welfare and food-stamps.”

  Mama walked further into the room and sat on the floor next to Jesse’s bed. She handed Jesse a bag of pink foam rollers to roll her hair. Jesse took the bag from Mama and sat behind her. Before Jesse got started, Mama placed her fingertips over her eyes, releasing her emotions again. I looked at Jesse’s eyes fill with water, feeling so bad about the hurt I’d caused my family. I hated myself. Mama had already been through so much. This was definitely a low point in my life.

  “Jesse,” Mama sniffled. “Did you know that Brenda was pregnant?”

  “No, I…I thought she was just gaining a lot of weight.”

  Mama was silent, and then she picked up a cigarette and lit it. “I guess I gotta help you take care of this baby because that fool I spoke to earlier ain’t gon’ do nothing. You still gotta go back to school, and I don’t know how you plan to do that. As for finding a job, do you know how hard it is to get a job without a high school diploma?”

  I moved my head from side to side, implying no. I didn’t think it would be difficult, but that’s because I hadn’t faced reality. I wasn’t prepared to tell Mama that I wasn’t going back to school, so I kept my mouth shut and watched as Jesse rolled her hair.

  That night, I was thankful that Mama hadn’t made me a homeless child. More so, I was shocked by her acceptance of my situation. If I’d known she’d respond the way she had, I never would have kept my pregnancy a secret. For now, she seemed to have my back and I sure as hell needed all the support I could get.

  The following week, my situation took a major turn. During an ultrasound, the doctors insisted that they’d heard two heartbeats and assured me that I was having twins. I was speechless. Why me? I cried. Why was God punishing me? One baby was already enough, but there was no way I could afford to take care of two. This was just one setback after another and how much more could a girl my age take? I had to go to Mama, again, with the news. I was so sure this would send her over the edge.

  Since Jesse went to all of my doctor’s appointments with me, I broke the news to her first. She was my rock, and was there for me in every way that she could possibly be.

  “You may as well tell Mama and get it over with,” Jesse said as we rode home from my appointment. “Don’t hide it from her, Brenda. I don’t think she’s going to be mad about it.”

  “I do, but I really and truly do not believe that I have two babies inside of me. I’d have to see it first to believe it.”

  “If the doctors told you you’re having twins, then you’re having twins. Stop being in denial and face the facts. It is what it is. I just hope they don’t come out looking like Omar. Uggh.”

  We laughed and I playfully pushed Jesse’s shoulder. “He ain’t all that bad. I could’ve done better, but you know those muscles and waves get me every time.”

  “That’s about all he’s got. The rest, no comment.”

  We laughed, again, and the conversation helped ease my mind about telling Mama.

  Surprisingly, Mama didn’t take the news as bad as I thought she would. She said that twins were common in our family, as well as triplets. Lucky me. She was back on the phone telling everybody the news. Rita was expected to come home soon, so Mama asked me to wait before telling her.

  During the course of my pregnancy, there were times that Mama seemed onboard with it, and then there were times that she’d stare at me with true regret in her eyes. And if Mama’s looks weren’t enough to shake me up, when Daddy showed up at the door, I could have died! I was upset with Mama for telling him. Exactly what did she expect to gain from his presence? He couldn’t wait to talk to me about my situation, and when Mama called me into her bedroom, I sat in a leather recliner that was directly in front of her bed.

  “Give your daddy a chance, Brenda. Go in the kitchen and talk to him about the babies. Don’t be so angry at him. If I’ve forgiven him, you should, too.”

  I pouted and folded my arms. “Talk to him for what? You’ve already told him about the babies.”

  “He might have some questions about the babies. Ju…just go talk to him. Do it for your Mama, okay?”

  I frowned, but stood up. I walked slowly down the hallway, making my way to the kitchen. As soon as Daddy saw me, his eyes dropped to my big belly.

  “Twins, huh,” he said, holding his stare. “I can’t believe I’m gon’ be a granddaddy.”

  I didn’t say anything, but Mama walked up behind me. “Well, believe it,” she said. She went over by the kitchen counter and picked up a plate of food. She put the plate in front of him. “And I hope that your grandbabies don’t have to see you drunk all the time. You really need to stop all that drinking.”

  “Baby, let me do what I want to do, please! I’m a grown-ass man and I don’t need no woman telling me what I should or shouldn’t do.”

  “Mama only trying to help,” Jesse said, coming into the kitchen. “Besides, drinking ain’t good for nobody.”

  Jesse took a quick glance at me and we both snickered. We certainly couldn’t sit there and preach to Daddy, because both of us had been drinking like drunken sailors. Being pregnant caused me to chill, but the beer drinking didn’t stop until I was at least four or five months.

  Daddy gazed at Mama, while taking sips from his brown paper bag. He cleared his throat and belched. “Baby,” he yelled out to Mama. “Let’s get married again. Eat’em, Beat’em, and Cheat’em,” he said, referring to Rita, Jesse and me, “They need me and I need them.”

  Mama sat at the table, trying to take the bag away from Daddy. “I wouldn’t marry your ass again to save my soul. Now, cut out all that clowning and eat your food.”

  “Aw, come on baby,” he slurred. “After today, I ain’t drinkin’ no mo. This shit makin’ me sick and I want to be around to take care of my grandbabies.”

  Mama cut her eyes, and then snatched the bag from Daddy’s hand. She poured the contents from the bag down
the sink, but all he did was smile, knowing that there was more where that came from. She and Daddy had a very strange relationship, and aside from all of the bickering and fighting, I sensed that they had love for each other. Daddy kept his cool and lit a cigarette instead. He looked at Jesse and me sitting across the table from him, while holding the lit cigarette close to his ear. A few seconds later, sparks came from his hair and his dripping wet jerry curl was on fire.

  “Your hair is on fire!” Jesse and I screamed. Daddy jumped up from the table, fanning away the flames with his hand. By then, Mama had a huge pot of cold water and tossed it on Daddy’s head. The fire went out, and we all couldn’t help but laugh at the situation. It had been a long time since we were able to laugh together and thank God that Daddy was in no way seriously injured.

  After we ate dinner, Mama rolled the television down the hallway and into the living room. We all took seats around the sectional couch and Daddy looked at me with his red eyes.

  “Brenda, I’m gon’ take care of you, alright? Anything you need, just let yo Daddy know. To hell with that ole punk-ass muthafuckin’ nigga. You don’t need his ass, especially when you got me. You understand, baby girl, you got me!”

  All I could do was nod. I’d definitely heard that before and I wasn’t depending on anybody but Mama to help me with my situation. As the night went on, Daddy talked about his drinking habit and he mentioned us visiting him in the hospital after he’d been shot and stabbed years ago. I vaguely remembered going to see him at City Hospital, but as he spoke about it, thoughts of being in the hospital was in my memory. We were little girls, and Mama never told us who we were at the hospital to see.

  Daddy promised to be there for me and said that maybe my getting pregnant would bring us closer together. That same day, he and Mama discussed how things could have turned out differently, and even though I didn’t say much, I didn’t hold anybody responsible for my own actions.

  ***

  Daddy never broke his promise and I held him to it. Every day, he bought me whatever I desired to eat, which was usually a large sausage & pepperoni pizza or Chinese food. He took me for long drives so I didn’t have to stay cooped up in the house, and even took short walks with me so we could “walk the babies down.” He was a completely different person—so was Mama. Even though my pregnancy wasn’t planned for, it seemed to bring the family together. I was starting to believe that everything happened for a reason, and if the babies were there to help me change my life around, I was all for it.

  Even Rita came home for a week to visit. She didn’t criticize me for getting pregnant, and seemed to be just as excited about the babies as the rest of the family.

  By the time Rita had left to go back to school, later that week, I started getting severe pains. I knew it was getting close to my delivery date, but I couldn’t tell if it were labor pains or pains from a fall I’d taken earlier on in the week. During my doctor’s appointment, I was hooked up to a monitor to make sure the babies were fine. The monitor showed contractions, and the doctors confirmed that a delivery would be very soon. I was nervous as ever. Didn’t quite know what to expect. According to the doctors, in a few days, I, Brenda Hampton, would be somebody’s mama. Those words gave me great fear and it all seemed so unrealistic.

  Chapter Seven

  My frizzy long hair was scattered all over my head and my skin was pale as ever. Tears streamed down my face as I watched the round clock on the wall tick away. After lying in the hospital bed at St. Louis County Hospital for seventeen hours, I knew exactly when the next contraction was coming.

  The minute hand hit the twelve, causing me to brace myself. I squeezed the sheets on the bed, balling them up in my hands so tight that they turned red. I squeezed my eyes together and took quick breaths that I was advised to do. My legs flopped around like fishes. I did my best to cease the excruciating pain from the ongoing contractions.

  “Somebody…anybody, please help me,” I shouted, as the rigorous pain took over my entire body. It lasted for a few minutes, and then it went away. I sighed from relief, recognizing that I would only remain this calm for the next twelve minutes. It was time to beg for help again, but the nurses and doctors were delayed with their response.

  As I screamed out again, the nurse came into the room, smiling at me as if there was something to smile about. She reached for my arm to take my blood pressure. I was mad as hell by the way things were progressing, and the twisted look on my face showed it.

  “Brenda, you must keep the oxygen over your mouth so the babies can get oxygen and breathe too. If you keep removing it, you’ll put their lives at risk and yours.”

  She placed the oxygen mask over my mouth, again, but it was sure to come off. At this point, I didn’t give a damn. How long did this have to go on? As the nurse took my blood pressure, the doctor entered the room. He was grinning from ear-to-ear, too, and I didn’t understand what the fuck was so funny. Maybe they were trying to make me suffer; after all, I was a seventeen year old pregnant with twins. Through their eyes, I should have known better than to put myself into a predicament like this one. Basically, I was getting what I deserved and they were doing nothing to help me ease the situation at hand.

  The doctor eyeballed the clock, knowing that my outburst was coming soon. He massaged my arms, before wiggling his fingers into a pair of sterile white gloves. Walking to the end of the bed, he stood in front of it. He ordered me to bend my knees and widen my legs. I frowned. Exposing myself to him was very uncomfortable. But at this point, I was willing to do whatever was necessary to get this over and done with.

  The nurse held my shaky legs apart, while he inserted his fingers inside of me. Nasty, I thought. Just nasty. And for making me wait this long, I hoped he got a whiff of my pee since I had already peed on myself.

  “I can feel one of the baby’s heads, but we’re still not quite there yet. Relax,” he said, patting my leg. “We’re almost there.”

  That was so easy for him to say, and as soon as those thoughts left my head, it was that time again. The oxygen mask was driving me nuts, so I snatched it off and reached for the nurses red long hair, yanking it.

  “Can’t you see that I need some damn help?” I said through gritted teeth. “When does this shit stop?! Why can’t y’all do nothing for me? Damn!” I pounded my other fist on the bed, displaying my frustrations.

  The nurse did her best to remove her hair from my fingers, but the grip was so tight that the doctor had to come over to assist.

  “Calm down,” he said, pulling my fingers away from the nurse’s hair.

  “I can’t go on like this,” I cried out. “Make this stop, please!”

  He tried to calm me, but the nurse had given up and walked out. I guess she’d thought I was one crazy bitch, and under these conditions, yes, I was.

  “Deep breaths,” the doctor repeated. “Take deep breaths and keep the oxygen over your mouth.”

  He waited until I calmed down, and then he left the room. The deep breaths weren’t working and he knew they weren’t. I swear, if I could’ve left, I would have. This was ridiculous and did it take all of this, just to bring a child…children into the world?

  As my raging anger ceased, I listened to another lady who was in the same room as I was. A dingy white curtain separated us, and even though her contractions weren’t as rapid as mine, she was going through as well.

  “I swear to God that I’m never fucking again!” she shouted. “This shit is for the birds! No more pussy for you, man. Do you hear that, Jake? No more pussy for you!”

  For a second, I couldn’t help but laugh. I felt what the White woman had said, but my thoughts had turned to that deadbeat Negro who had gotten me knocked up. If he only knew what I was going through. Damn him, I thought. What a lowlife bastard to make me experience something of this magnitude alone. I didn’t realize how much I’d hated him, up until I sat in my bed, watching the clock and waiting as the minute hand struck twelve. I braced myself again, thinking of ways
I could kill him.

  At 7:53 a.m. the next day, twin A was born and twin B followed at 8:03 a.m. Completely exhausted, I barely had enough strength to look at the babies in the nurses’ arms. All I could see was him, and hating him so much gave me something I could look at every single day. I turned my head, wiping a slow tear that had rolled from the corner of my eye. My only thought was… where in the hell do me and my babies go from here?

  ***

  Mama and Daddy didn’t come to see me until the next day, per my request. Daddy brought me a Teddy bear and he and Mama couldn’t stop talking about their precious little girls. They wanted to name the twins, but kept coming up with ridiculous names. I appreciated their efforts, but naming the twins would be left up to me.

  Once Mama and Daddy left, I was in the room all alone with, for the time being, Twin A and Twin B. With the little strength I’d had, I held both of them in my arms and smiled. They weighed six pounds five ounces each and were quite a load. More than soft, they were precious and I couldn’t believe they were actually mine. I rocked my babies in my arms and thought about how Omar didn’t know what he was missing.

  Being back at home was busy. The babies never got any sleep because they were always in somebody’s arms. Mama had supplied almost everything for them, and the rest came from Jesse who had gotten a job at Sears and used her discount to purchase items for the twins. Eventually, I started getting welfare and food-stamps to assist and it helped take some of the burdens off Mama and Jesse.

  As time went on, no one ever asked about Omar again. He never called to see if or when the babies were born, and I never called to tell him about them either. I guess I wasn’t up for his rejecting us, so I closed that chapter of my life and decided to move on.

  By early October, Jesse and I talked about me returning to school. I really didn’t want to, but since I had only missed one month of my final school year, I figured it would be in my best interests to at least get a diploma. Besides, something was nagging at me to go back and finish, so we agreed that during the day, she’d watch the twins so I could finish school.